A good obituary

Sounds a little silly, but I do hope my life will add up to enough good to merit an obituary in the Friends Journal. I like reading them, admiring what other Quakers have done with their lives.

I don't yet measure up. But I still have several years, perhaps decades, to improve my life record.

Better get busy.

Peace, y'all

Molly

Steps 16-18 of the 21 steps of personal peacemaking

I'm back in the groove, and here are the next three steps from Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 Steps on Personal Peacemaking, from the August 2008 Friends Journal. Lynn's words are in bold or quotes.

16. When speaking to another person about our upsets, it is best to use "I" statements of our experience and reactions as our own, rather than blaming others or making them responsible for our feelings.

"It is also best to listen carefully and respectfully to the other person's responses and be willing to change our minds if presented with different information."

"I" statements are something like the second commandment of assertiveness training. It's such a simple and strong technique. Besides being assertive, it lessens the other person's defensiveness and is not blaming. Back to that B word again. The B word is bad.

17. The use of drugs, alcohol, or violence during a conflict, or during the attempt to fix it, will make the conflict worse.

Lynn Fitz-Hugh doesn't elaborate, and neither will I. Except: DUH!

18. People who are very alike often have a great deal of conflict. "...Perhaps we see our worst or most detested trait in the other perosn (but of course it looks much worse on him or her). What is helpful is not to focus on how awful the other person is but to focus back on how we feel about ourselves when we behae that way and begin by working on forgiving ourselves for our own behavior. When we can love ourselves as we are, the other person magically becomes much less annoying and more an object for compassion."

This is a hard step for me. The person I find most like me is my own daughter, whose similarities to me are numerous and somewhat eerie. My challenge is to not project the rest of me onto her, and to respect her for the person she is.

I also love the notion of forgiving myself for my behavior, and love the idea of compassion. What a lovely virtue. I will contemplate (read: google) this today.

Peace y'all

Molly

1-3 of 21 tips on personal peacemaking

Recently I re-found Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 tips on personal peacemaking, published in the August 2008 Friends Journal. Lynn Fitz-Hugh is the founder of the Washington state Alternatives to Violence project. She says she has broken each of the 21 guidelines at least once. They are good and I want to share them, and contemplate them as I do so. Please join me in sharing and contemplating.

1. Nothing is gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened is true. In the end it doesn't matter. Each view is real to the viewer--assuming each is honest! "Attaining peace doesn't require one party to accept or capitulate to the other party's version of truth. "

This Friend speaks my truth.

2. Blame is not a helpful concept. "It does not move things forward. No one wants to be the blamed one. No one wants to be wrong... When we blame, it increases the other person's defensiveness and blocks his or her willingness to listen to us. Blaming, either internally or aloud, is a way to foucs on the other person and his or her behavior, rather than on our own painful feelings and our part in what happened. "

I also want to note how easy it is to accept responsibility when I've erred. I sincerely but usually cheerfully say "I goofed, and I'm sorry." Then I can move on and usually so can the other person. But I put my pants on same way as everyone else, and I know I spend too much time in Blameville.

3. Instead of saying "It is his fault," is is more helpful simply to say "it is." "This simply takes the poison of blame and judgment and in some way helps us focus on more practical actions for th future and lessons to learn from the past."

The grammar cop in me doesn't love this--because it hides the subject of the declarative sentence. But I see Lynn Fitz-Hugh's point and will meekly submit--and tell my inner English teacher to shut up.

Tips 4-6 next post.

Walk in peace, friend