What would John Woolman drive?

Gentle readers, John Woolman is the American Quaker version of a saint. He walked, mainly, because horses were treated poorly.

We in the US are addicted to oil. Oil:
o contributes directly and hugely to global climate weirding
o is bankrupting our nation
o Is to valuable to burn, really
o comes from environmental sensitive areas, since the oil in easier places has
already been burned up
o Comes from Petrodicators, whose profits go to suppress their own people and to foment violence against America.

Still, we drive and drive and drive. I'm getting better about bus but there is so much more to do.

Smoking used to be glamorous. No longer, now we scorn and shun smokers. Can we effect the same change for single-user vehicles? how?

Today's peace offering

As I write, my husband is grating the cheese and this afternoon we'll make a huge batch of mac and cheese for tonight. This is the peace offering. We, along with two of my coworkers, are preparing dinner for up to 12 lbtq's - teens who are lesbian, bisexual, trans-something, or queer. I pronounce this liberty-Q's. Mayba Gliberty'Q, if I add gay to the front of this.

As hard as it must be to not align with the preponderance of popular culture, face bullying, hatred, and discrimination, it would be harder still to go through the difficult teen years that way. So we want to show and give support to these teens, to accept them unconditionally and have a fine and really fun game of Apples to Apples and Cranium.

Fun and tasty peace offering, I think.

Peace, y'all

Molly

More dividends from the silent weekend

Daily life has resumed but the weekend's ideas are still in me. I carried out one of them yesterday (a simple one), and have begun a few others (gently nudging my husband toward one green action and another that supports a nonprofit and issue we care about, talking to conservatives, practicing good listening skills). Also I am working on reducing my personal chatter.

I had some stuff to feel contrite about--I was immersed in a Tom Clancy novel, and shirked my tasks and stayed up too late. Finished the book today and plan to sleep well tonight!

And the spirit brought me more gifts! My coworker Ginger met a man who attended Westtown and identifies as a Quaker. Another Quaker in my town!! This is exciting.

Ginger is brimming with ideas and I am going to help her.

How is this for a cool idea. Does your city have a sister city? If so, why not set up a student exchange with that city and have the students learn about the green and sustainable practices the host city is doing!? And participate in a community forum to share the status of carbon reduction, alternate energies, local food, whatever, from their home country! Then when the students return home, they hold another forum to share what they have learned. And somehow (haven't figured this all out yet) find ways to implement what the student ambassador learned from sister city.

How else can we build peace with sister cities? I am glad my city has a sister city and I hope we can use that mechanism to increase the level of harmony in the universe.

Peace, y'all

Molly

An end to bitter partisanship

Here is a happy convergence of my peacemaking urges and our President's call to action. Now is the time to set aside childish things, and work together to make America better. To choose our better history. President Obama also reminds us we cannot do great things unless we work together.

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is goined to common purpose, and necessity to courage."

He wants an end to bitter partisanship, and so do I.

Now I have criticized the other party in the past, with ease and enthusiasm. But I am ready to STOP and to look ahead. I am willing to find and build from common ground.

I think it's easy for most political people to slip into the end zones and ignore the huge common ground in the middle. Perhaps it's our baser nature. But we should live from a higher place, our better nature.

I don't think I can ask the other side to stop name-calling until I do, until my "side" does.

True, the other political side has made mistakes. True, they have zipper troubles, just as some of our side did. It's true the recent administration has eroded our nation's reputation and has driven up the deficit to terrifying levels.

But we cannot blame every problem on them. And even if we could, to what purpose? Rather, let's understand the problem and work together to find a solution.

I hope I don't sound pollyanna-ish. I want our country to heal and become a more perfect union, and don't think name-calling is the way, nor do I think that only half of this nation is right.

Please join me in ending bitter partisanship. Find and build on common ground, and treat fellow Americans with respect.

Molly

Steps 13-15 for personal peacemaking

This wonderful article in the August 2008 Friends Journal came from Lynn Fitz-Hugh. By sharing this with you, friend, I reinforce it for myself. Steven Covey called this "third-party teaching," meaning you learn something better if you learn it with the intent of sharing it. So I invite you to read what follows with the intent of sharing it with someone else.

13. When someone else is disappointed or angry with us, this does not mean we are bad or unworthy. "We may have been told this in the past, and therefore this feeling may readily rear its head. It actually just means the other person is having a lot of strong and perhaps complex feelings. It is a good idea to care about others' feelings, but when we start operating/speaking out of guilt or shame, we are now actually having a competing upset that steals the attention from the person who was originally upset. Once two people are upset, the whole thing becomes a much larger mess."

Rarely do I feel bad or unworthy, thanks to God

14. Dragging other people in by trying to convince them of our point of view or trying to get others to choose sides just makes the conflict bigger and worse. "As a result, this causes pain in additional people and is another reason for the person with whom we are in conflict to be angry with us. it is one thing to ask someone to process feelings with us (ideally someone who does not know the person) or to speak without identifying the person. But it is quite another thing to 'compile a case together' or confirm each others's negative feelings."

Wait, wait, don't nations (especially ours) do exactly this with other nations? Hmmm, this warrants some contemplation. Anyone want to help?

15. When we direct all of our actions towards trying to prevent another person from feeling a certain way (angry, hurt, disappointed) we find ourselves caught in co-dependent emotional caretaking. "We need to redirect our attention toward how we are feeling, what our needs are, and how we feel about our own behavior."

Amen Amen Amen Amen Amen

Two more installments, and we'll have all 21 steps presented. I peaked ahead: 17 is a no-brainer, and 21 is a snap for me. Good, that means I can work harder on other steps. Today I think it will be #10, and look for what each person I relate to (in conflict or otherwise) can teach me. And I will share it.

Peace to you. Personally.

Molly

Steps 10-12 for personal peacemaking

Here are steps 10-12 of Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps on personal peacemaking. These were published in August 2008 in the Friends Journal.

10. Each person has something to teach us. "People do not arrive in our lives by mistake, even when we did not choose them to be in our lives. If we successfully evade one "nuisance," another one with the same traits will show up It is best to learn the lessons about ourselves and life that we are to learn from this person. That we do not like this kind of person is not the lesson. This person is in your life as a teacher..."

I guess this means that the person and the conflict will point to something in ourselves we can improve. This is a lot like looking for the good, or answering that God, in each person.

11. Judging a person or deciding 'who is wrong and who is right' is just another form of blaming. People have differences in opinion, in cultural norms, in styles of doing things, in interpreting information, and in acting in the world There is not a right or a wrong way about this. Our standards are right for each of us because of the life we have lived. That does not make our standards right for someone else who has lived a different life ... When we judge someone else or try to define him or her as wrong based on 'our truth,' we are insisting that our way is the way. Instead of this we must acknowledge and accept the differences. We must figure out how to build bridges across the differences."

oooooh I really like this step. It speaks to me! And that means it will be speaking to others I relate with. Lucky them.

12. People do not cause other people's feelings. "Rather, Person A does something and person B observes that action and then decides what it means to him or her. We all have had experience of starting out feeling one way about something, getting a slightly different perspective, and then having a different feeling about it. Despite the sense we have that our feeling are automatic and unbidden, we actually do choose what we feel. .... Even though we may not welcome it, it is a chance to look at our old feelings, process them, and heal."

What a powerful step this truly is. We cannot change other people We can change how we respond to them.

Now an update. Last evening two people I love were having a dispute over what happened. "B" said she had told "A" about something, and "A" was certain she had never heard about it. This went back and forth for a few volleys, then I spoke up and invoked step 1 of the 21 steps of personal peacemaking. I didn't express it quite the way Fitz-Hugh did, but it stopped them and they pointed their discussion forward. Someone else in the room thought my remark was very Zenlike, which I take as a compliment. Anyway, I helped peace and reconciliation a little last evening and am glad about that.

Steps 4-6 of Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps of personal peacemaking

Today my daughter and her friend had a back-and-forth conversation about two sides of the same reality, and I expressed the gist of step 1 - "Nothing is gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened is true." My daughter asked why I launched into big explanations when she made a comment. I explained she gave an example and I explained a point it illustrates. Inducing--going from specific to general. But I'd better dial it back a few notches so I don't get tuned out.....

Okay, steps 4-6 from Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps to personal peacemaking.

4. Running away from conflict does not solve it. "The conflict will still be there, but now someone may also feel abandoned or insignificant. Often the resulting lapse of time has allowed bad feelings to fester and false assumptions to be made. It is best to address conflict as soon as one has control over one's emotions and the other person is able to engage."

Molly, does thee hear this? Here is a step I need to work on a lot.

5. When people are very, very upset they get flooded by adrenaline. "This is a biological wiring for 'fight or flight.' We cannot just turn it off. It takes at least 20 miutes with attention off conflict--longer if it is hard to get attention off of it--to get rid of all the adrenaline....It is a bad idea for someone to try to talk, listen, or make decisions while flooded with adrenaline. Rational thinking is impaired and the brain has a difficult time working constructively."

OOOh I just hate it when this happens to me. I do the flight thing and I know it takes far more than 20 minutes to be able to return after I leave. I will try to focus away from the source of upset--probably that will help.


6. Timing of efforts to address a conflict is a two-party affair. "People exist on a broad spectrum from 'eager to address issues' to 'extremely terrified about addressing issues.' It is not fair for the [more] willing party to demand that the other person engage because the first party wants to/needs to, and it is similarly not fair for the more avoidant party to insist that his or her nonengagement policy be accepted by both (or to continue avoiding without addressing when he or she will be willing to engage). "

Hmmm... this speaks to me very clearly. What sayest thou?

These 3 steps speak to me clearly and I know I have some work to do. I hope I need not do it soon (because that would mean a conflict sooner rather than later) but do hope I will have these steps in mind when I need them.

Peace, y'all

Molly

Finding common ground

I feel this wonderful sense of optimism. It took me a long time to catch what one could call "Obamamania." I remember too clearly the dismal presidency of another brilliant Democratic newcomer, Jimmy Carter. (Though Jimmy Carter is indisputably the best ex-president we have ever had, and deserves our respect and honor and admiration and gratitude.)

But I do feel the hope. I am personally inspired to do what I can to heal the divides.

Yesterday I shared this thought with a colleague. She is pro-life and I am pro-choice. I noted this, and said, we have common ground--preventing unwanted pregnancies. Let's work on the common ground, and not forsake it for some extreme position, such as not giving federal support to agencies that refuse to teach abstinence-only. This woman agreed with me. So we made a teeny bit of common ground.

How do I build on that?

Washington just followed Oregon with a ballot measure that permits people near the end of their lives to get help from a physician to die. The measure was based on Oregon's, which withstood a Supreme Court challenge.

When the measure became law in Oregon, people hardly lined up to end their lives. In 11 years, fewer than 400 people have used the law to end their lives. A far higher number have obtained the medications that would kill them, but opted not to use them.

What the measure did was focus Oregonian's attention on end of life issues. Hospice services became more available and more availed. Attention to pain management increased.

Common ground--dignity and comfort for the dying!

I am hopeful that Washingtonians will increase their attention to end of life issues and increase dignity and comfort for the dying here too.