a little at a time

Last night's peace offering went well, and my retail abstinence continues but I can't say it goes well. I miss my lattes!

The group at the youth center had what they call "check in," in which each person says their name, their age, astrological sign, orientation, preferred pronoun, a good thing that happened this week, a bad thing that happened this week, answer to a silly question (if you were a piece of clothing, what would you be, and why) and a serious question (what could you do tomorrow to make the world a better place?")

I proposed the serious question. It inspired me to frame my fairly unplanned day. So far I have met a new neighbor and given out voter registration forms, and have loved up my kitties and trimmed claws on 3 of them.

I will go now and turn down the thermostat and restore order to my home.

Peace, y'all

A way to boost readership

I crave readers. Writing to no one is a fragile business. Without feedback, how do I know if I touch any hearts or inspire any thoughts or positive change?

Recently I copied a blog posting (Cuba libre) and sent it to the editor of my local newspaper. It ran this past Sunday and I've received a number of comments already. I will do it again next month too--because I know people read letters to the editor.

Peace y'all

Molly

How to talk with folks from the other view

My teenager chided me for bringing up the topic of the inauguration with one of her companions who is from a conservative home. Of course I knew her family's orientation. I wanted to open dialog. The companion didn't want to engage, so it didn't go anywhere (except my kid chiding me).

How should I open dialog with those whose views differ from mine? What I want is for us to look forward and find common ground. Positive ground. How? Maybe I should pose a question like, "What are your hopes for the next year?" or "next administration?"

Or perhaps I could share one of my favorite lines from the inauguration speech (or the invocation!!) and ask if others find inspiration in it as well.

I hope I can make some headway. I really want to make a little more peace in the real world.

Peace, y'all

Molly

An end to bitter partisanship

Here is a happy convergence of my peacemaking urges and our President's call to action. Now is the time to set aside childish things, and work together to make America better. To choose our better history. President Obama also reminds us we cannot do great things unless we work together.

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is goined to common purpose, and necessity to courage."

He wants an end to bitter partisanship, and so do I.

Now I have criticized the other party in the past, with ease and enthusiasm. But I am ready to STOP and to look ahead. I am willing to find and build from common ground.

I think it's easy for most political people to slip into the end zones and ignore the huge common ground in the middle. Perhaps it's our baser nature. But we should live from a higher place, our better nature.

I don't think I can ask the other side to stop name-calling until I do, until my "side" does.

True, the other political side has made mistakes. True, they have zipper troubles, just as some of our side did. It's true the recent administration has eroded our nation's reputation and has driven up the deficit to terrifying levels.

But we cannot blame every problem on them. And even if we could, to what purpose? Rather, let's understand the problem and work together to find a solution.

I hope I don't sound pollyanna-ish. I want our country to heal and become a more perfect union, and don't think name-calling is the way, nor do I think that only half of this nation is right.

Please join me in ending bitter partisanship. Find and build on common ground, and treat fellow Americans with respect.

Molly

A bodily look at peace

Today I looked afresh at the stuff on my fridge. I noticed a magnet that reads "Peace on Earth, one heart at a time."

We cannot impose peace. It's up to each of us to forgive, to accept, to love actively-- to make peace. And if our heart isn't in it, there's little likelihood of success.

So peace does require our hearts. And our souls, and our minds--and sometimes our voices, our feet, our vote, and our arms.

Today I will use my voice to sow harmony. I will use my feet to guide me through my chores, my arms to hug the ones I love.

Peace, y'all

Molly

Peace in my home

My spouse has made some investments with a company called Reid and Rudinger. Avoid this outfit! He opened an IRA but the $$ went into a nonIRA His password don't work from home, though it sometimes works from a friend's computer. For months months he has tried to get these jerks to move his $$ to his IRA, where it should have been in the first place. No such luck. So we will have a huge distribution from the IRA to cope with this year. Again.

I didn't curse, I didn't yell. I didn't even complain. Peaceful huh? After all, it's only money. More important than money is that we are all healthy and our home is warm and dry.

Ahhhh. Money is important but I like what my college pal Mike used to say--"it's like sex, and only is important when you are not getting any." Since I have a good job, we are getting some. Enough to keep us fed and warm, and some tucked away for the future too. Though not as much, thanks to what's happening in the investment world. Good enough though. Thanks God.

Final 3 steps of personal peacemaking

These came from Lynn Fitz-Hugh's article "21 steps on personal peacemaking" in the August 2008 Friends Journal.

Here are steps 19-21. Bold and quotes are from Lynn Fitz-Hugh.

19. We are responsible at all times for choosing behavior that meets our highest moral/ethical standards.

"to truly live by the Golden Rule, to live in such a way that, if anything true we did was published somewhere for all to see, we would have no embarrassment, guilt, or shame about our action."

Thank thee, Lynn Fitz-Hugh, for this simple and vital point. This speaks to me volumes. This is one of the best steps to teach to children too, as soon as they can comprehend the words, and to teach the gist of it before then.

20. Culture does impact conflict.

"Different cultures have different ways of showing respect, caring, boundaries, etc. The culture we are raised in is invisible to us--it's like air. ....We are all therefore somewhat blind to our own cultural assumptions and usually sadly ignorant of other peoples'. It is helpful to realize this potential and try to figure out if it is part of the conflict--and if so, to try to address it, and use it as an opportunity for learning. "

Fitz-Hugh also notes that second-generation Americans may seem fully assimilated but still have their culture invisibly wrapping around them. This can persist for multiple generations. And it's not a genetic thing, it's cultural.

In 1989 I lived in New Mexico and questioned a local about the pronounciation of Moriarty, a town east of Albuquerque. She pronouced it "mor-e-AR-i-ty. I asked if if wouldn't be "Mor-e-ARE-ty. Her answer, I will never forget: "Well, if you want to sound like a Yankee."

21. When we have made a mistake, it is best to apologize immediately.

amen amen amen amen amen

"..rather than trying to justify, rationalize, diminish, or cover up the mistake we made. We are not bad because we made a mistake. If we live without blaming, others should also be able to accept our mistakes without blaming. If someone else engages in blaming, that is the other person's issue and not something we have to take on ourselves."

I have the knack of this step well in hand and try to teach it to my kid. It is marvelous for defusing, deflating conflict. It's also honest. I usually say, sincerely, "oops, I goofed. I'm sorry."

Try it the very next time you make a mistake. If you are pulled over by a cop for some driving error, add the word "sir" or "ma'am" once or twice too. A friend of mine avers if you get in four "sirs" before he asks for your license, he'll let you off with a warning. And he has lots of experience to back this up.

So if you make a mistake, own it, apologize, and let the universe reach equilibrium again. And follow step 19 and live to your highest standards so your mistakes will be less frequent.

That's all 21 steps. Do you have faves? Steps you have mastered, steps that reflect where you need to work a little harder?

I'm going to walk cheerfully and answer God those I speak to. Have a great day.

Peace,

Molly

Steps 10-12 for personal peacemaking

Here are steps 10-12 of Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps on personal peacemaking. These were published in August 2008 in the Friends Journal.

10. Each person has something to teach us. "People do not arrive in our lives by mistake, even when we did not choose them to be in our lives. If we successfully evade one "nuisance," another one with the same traits will show up It is best to learn the lessons about ourselves and life that we are to learn from this person. That we do not like this kind of person is not the lesson. This person is in your life as a teacher..."

I guess this means that the person and the conflict will point to something in ourselves we can improve. This is a lot like looking for the good, or answering that God, in each person.

11. Judging a person or deciding 'who is wrong and who is right' is just another form of blaming. People have differences in opinion, in cultural norms, in styles of doing things, in interpreting information, and in acting in the world There is not a right or a wrong way about this. Our standards are right for each of us because of the life we have lived. That does not make our standards right for someone else who has lived a different life ... When we judge someone else or try to define him or her as wrong based on 'our truth,' we are insisting that our way is the way. Instead of this we must acknowledge and accept the differences. We must figure out how to build bridges across the differences."

oooooh I really like this step. It speaks to me! And that means it will be speaking to others I relate with. Lucky them.

12. People do not cause other people's feelings. "Rather, Person A does something and person B observes that action and then decides what it means to him or her. We all have had experience of starting out feeling one way about something, getting a slightly different perspective, and then having a different feeling about it. Despite the sense we have that our feeling are automatic and unbidden, we actually do choose what we feel. .... Even though we may not welcome it, it is a chance to look at our old feelings, process them, and heal."

What a powerful step this truly is. We cannot change other people We can change how we respond to them.

Now an update. Last evening two people I love were having a dispute over what happened. "B" said she had told "A" about something, and "A" was certain she had never heard about it. This went back and forth for a few volleys, then I spoke up and invoked step 1 of the 21 steps of personal peacemaking. I didn't express it quite the way Fitz-Hugh did, but it stopped them and they pointed their discussion forward. Someone else in the room thought my remark was very Zenlike, which I take as a compliment. Anyway, I helped peace and reconciliation a little last evening and am glad about that.

Steps 4-6 of Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps of personal peacemaking

Today my daughter and her friend had a back-and-forth conversation about two sides of the same reality, and I expressed the gist of step 1 - "Nothing is gained in trying to decide whose version of what happened is true." My daughter asked why I launched into big explanations when she made a comment. I explained she gave an example and I explained a point it illustrates. Inducing--going from specific to general. But I'd better dial it back a few notches so I don't get tuned out.....

Okay, steps 4-6 from Lynn Fitz-Hugh's 21 steps to personal peacemaking.

4. Running away from conflict does not solve it. "The conflict will still be there, but now someone may also feel abandoned or insignificant. Often the resulting lapse of time has allowed bad feelings to fester and false assumptions to be made. It is best to address conflict as soon as one has control over one's emotions and the other person is able to engage."

Molly, does thee hear this? Here is a step I need to work on a lot.

5. When people are very, very upset they get flooded by adrenaline. "This is a biological wiring for 'fight or flight.' We cannot just turn it off. It takes at least 20 miutes with attention off conflict--longer if it is hard to get attention off of it--to get rid of all the adrenaline....It is a bad idea for someone to try to talk, listen, or make decisions while flooded with adrenaline. Rational thinking is impaired and the brain has a difficult time working constructively."

OOOh I just hate it when this happens to me. I do the flight thing and I know it takes far more than 20 minutes to be able to return after I leave. I will try to focus away from the source of upset--probably that will help.


6. Timing of efforts to address a conflict is a two-party affair. "People exist on a broad spectrum from 'eager to address issues' to 'extremely terrified about addressing issues.' It is not fair for the [more] willing party to demand that the other person engage because the first party wants to/needs to, and it is similarly not fair for the more avoidant party to insist that his or her nonengagement policy be accepted by both (or to continue avoiding without addressing when he or she will be willing to engage). "

Hmmm... this speaks to me very clearly. What sayest thou?

These 3 steps speak to me clearly and I know I have some work to do. I hope I need not do it soon (because that would mean a conflict sooner rather than later) but do hope I will have these steps in mind when I need them.

Peace, y'all

Molly

12 steps to peace making

Here is a fine list of tangible steps we can take to build peace, right where we are. I list them here and invite you to suggest examples and experiences.

1. Pray for peace and for one another.
2. See faces.
3. Learn names and stories.
4. Take the first step.
5. Reach out and touch.
6. Find common ground.
7. Make relationships concrete.
8. Give peace offerings.
9. Learn languages.
10. Eat together.
11. Celebrate together.
12. Stand with those in danger.

I love to visit this list now and then. As I just typed it I remembered it is NOT a 12-step program per se.

But I am on step 4 right now. I have a coworker I don't really like. But I have to get along with her, and our boss has expressly said to make it work, and make the tension go away.

Step 4 is take the first step. What might it be? For a few weeks I made a point of greeting her in the a.m. (she always gets there before I do). A few times it was barely a thaw, and once or twice I encountered some friendliness. Maybe I could get help from step 6, and find common ground. Somewhere there must be some.

I will believe we have made peace when she invites me, or accepts my invite, to something. Or greets me when I get to work.